e_my_lie

Our pasts have left us blind.
Sometimes it's all we can see. We cling to things that once were just to feel safe, even if it's only for a moment.
I finally feel like I can see clearly, somewhat. It would be all too easy to fade back into that haze, but at the moment, I don't want too. I'd like to try something different. He'll have to open his eyes first though. Right now, I feel like he's squeezing them shut with all his might like a child does when you open the blinds on them while they're sleeping in denial of greeting the new day. The world is beautiful and i'd like to be able to show him. What exactly? I don't know yet, but I feel like i'm here for a reason or maybe it's just pure insanity.
Letting go has been one of the hardest things i've ever done, but I guess I just had to learn to trust that if that's where i'm meant to be, it'll be there if or when I get back. If not, then obviously i'm meant for something else. At the moment I can't make any promises.

I think i'm going to let him read this. I've been debating for a while. I won't lie, some of it is probably going to piss him off but I think it may be better for him to hear it all. It's starting to feel wrong to keep all of this from him. I'm not all that articulate when i'm trying to get things out verbally so I think this will be a good thing. It's everything i've ever wanted to say. Maybe he needs the outside perspective. Not only that, but it'll give him a better idea of how my mind works and if we're ever going to get anywhere with this, he should have some idea. Somehow he got me to jump. Now I guess I have to see if I can get him to jump with me. In this sense, I think can catch him.
In my life i've seen a reoccurring pattern of almost any situation of importance getting flipped on me. This is no exception. Hopefully, against the odds, he'll end up coming around as I did. It takes time, but i've got plenty of it.

"your best friend is not your girlfriend"
Yes, I just quoted an angels and airwaves song. this line has always somewhat gotten to me since it was first brought up. why? because in a way, I think your significant other, if you're truly serious, should be your best friend. if you want something that is going to last, you should put everything into it. there shouldn't be any secrets. Eventually, you'll spend almost every waking moment with that person and therefore it's hard for anyone else to have that place of "best friend". Maybe that's why i'm so lost right now. I haven't had a best friend besides Morgan in years. Even before we dated, he was my best friend. Now I don't know what to do. I'm trying to keep myself at a distance for now and I do have other friends. but i can't share the world with them like I could with him. I could and still can tell him everything because after so long, it's just become so natural.
He still won't judge me. I guess a part of me is still struggling with letting go. as much as i want to and think it will be better for us if we actually go our separate ways. I don't know if i can share everything as completely with someone else as i did with him. I'd like to, it's just going to take time. I think if you're not willing to let who your with be your everything, you're only half assing the relationship. You're not putting everything you could into it. Hah but look who's talking. Maybe we would have had a fighting chance if we didn't let outside factors get into our relationship. Perhaps if we hadn't been so stubborn and let out other friends come before each other, we could have been ok. Who knows? Maybe this time apart will help us remember what great friends we were and maybe pave the way for a better future, if that's what's in the cards.
Or maybe this is all just delirious rambling brought on by the flu. Letting go could really be the best. I fought it for so long and now it finally feels right to give in completely. I'm just bad at letting my guard down. But at the same time, no one ever grows from clinging to a ghost, no matter how alive that phantom may seem at times. I want to be the best person I can and i'm not sure if i can be that with Morgan. It may just feel comfortable most of the time, but I can't rely on comfort forever. It finally started to feel unhealthy and self destructive. I just hope I can be of some help to the other that's doing the same. He's gotten me further than I thought anyone else might. I just think he's relapsing into old habits.
he seems like he made the same promise I did years ago, and like myself it's hard to break. I did the same thing, but like a good friend, i've been able to share everything with Morgan about how I feel with Eddie and he's been willing to listen and offer non-biased opinions. He really does want me to be happy regardless of whether he's part of it or not. I may have begun to break the promise to him about the possibility of coming back but I can promise something else, if he decides to move on, i'll let him go. I want him to be happy, as well. If he can be happy without me, I wish him the best. I can't do what i've witnessed being done to Eddie to Morgan. It seems almost inhumane at times. Eddie once told me I was a slave to my emotions and it's true. Once I was so disconnected from my emotions I didn't even know how to feel. I felt robotic and hollow. I was afraid of being vulnerable and human. Now I am. It's alright though. I'll admit, sometimes it's scary. Sometimes I break down just from being overwhelmed, but you can't live by watching the world. You have to take part at sometime.
I hope there's a chance, not just for my sake. I think this could be a welcome relief for him too. Though it seems like it could be easy. It won't be completely. He'll still have some demons to fight with, because obviously there's more than he's letting on.
hell, what am i saying? they both wear rings. i'm seriously a nut case for trying but i can't stop. Maybe i am the only person crazy enough to get into something like this.
I can't help feeling like maybe if we're both finally in it, we'll both get that relief we've been searching for since our last relationships went sour. Maybe both of us were just searching for the solution in all the wrong places and clinging to what we thought had to be it for so long. Something drew us too each other and something's kept us both from completely running away from each other at different times. I feel like that has to mean something.
Right now he's seemed more confused than ever. I think it's because he expected to be waiting around for her forever. Then he met the girl at the pub. I don't think i'm all that fantastic, but it seems like more than he expected. I guess he never thought he'd find someone who could possibly put up a fight or at least be so stubborn. I don't think he thought he'd ever find someone who could relate quite as well as I have. I understand, where most people would have said 'fuck it', but maybe i'm the fool.
In the beginning when he was trying to make me let go, he told me there was a lot more to things that i wasn't seeing when i told him i felt like a should be with Morgan forever. Now, he may need a taste of his own medicine.
but if he really wanted me to leave him be to keep fading away and shutting out the world in his shop as he once described it. he could tell me, i'd respect it, just as he always said he'd respect my decision to run if i ever did. but he hasn't.
I think he knows this could work. but he knows the other would for sure, if it's anything like Morgan and I were. It's tough making the decision to take a gamble, I know I was scared shitless. I think that's part of why it's so hard for him to be around both of us. It's like having two paths laid out in front of you, or at least, that's how i felt. One path is familiar and you know there's a definite future, it's safe and once held a lot of great memories. the other, is a gamble, but a very tempting one, with promise of a clean slate and fresh start. It involves a little bit of pain and effort to get to it but whether it works or not, it could be more than the other ever offered. Right now, he probably wants to run like hell back to what he's always known. But by this point he's gotten so used to being around me and it's become so normal for the time being. routine gets hard to break, and if he's like me, he may not really know if he wants to break it. it's just that hard part knowing you'll have to hurt one, and when you realize a change could be better. It's excruciating to hurt someone who's played such a big role in your life, but sometimes you have to do something for yourself. Then again, that's how I felt and he may be more inclined to run back to what he's known because he's probably more used to it since it's still been there even after it was over.
I feel like if there is ever a time that i'm willing to take a risk, my gut says this is it. It could be beautiful, Good or bad. i'll take a lot away from this, some outside perspective on some old behaviors and mistakes and at least one new scar. For a short time at least, i've shared a good bit with Eddie, emotionally and physically. I don't regret this even if it doesn't play out in my favor.
He's a good person. He tries, He means well. He has his flaws, but we all do, none of which are worthy of condemning him for. His heart is in the right place. I just think he's used to a lot less than he deserves. I can't blame him for it though, many times I've been told I should give myself more credit as well.If anything. I just hope he gets the love, respect and happiness he deserves out of life, regardless of whether it concerns me or not. I'm not sure if it will go anywhere but i wouldn't mind going all in if he's willing to take a chance also.




wow... I have a problem with over analyzing situations.

my dreams keep blurring with reality.
i find myself having these dreams and waking up barely able to tell what was real or just the product of my own mind. A lot of the time, I can't tell. I end up trying to guess quite a bit and it's starting to worry me. Maybe it's all the stress. But as for now the stress is inescapable. i'm just beginning to wonder how far it will go. right now, it's just minor things that i have to question but what if they get worse? I'm afraid that soon i may be confusing important events or conversations that really happen with something that happened in my unconscious mind. This all could get really interesting. I'm starting to think i may unintentionally end up fucking everything up and not even being aware of it.
I don't try so hard to look for things in life, I never really have. Things just seem to have an odd habit of finding me, good or bad, and sometimes I just wish the world would let me be. It seems like every time I start to feel like things are settling down, life throws me another curve ball that smacks me right in the head because for once i thought it might be ok to let my guard down.
silly, naive little me. i should know better by now. These dreams are beginning to make me irritable and bitter.
I don't think he wants to have to choose. When it was me, I didn't want to either, I felt like I was stuck waiting for Morgan to screw up and do something unforgivable so I could finally break away. He said something the other day that made it sound like he's at that point. Maybe i'm just insurance. if she fucks up, he already has someone to fall back on. God knows that having that comfort makes the load a little bit lighter. I've hear there's nothing going on from countless people, but I know there's more. something isn't right here and it's difficult feeling like you're stuck in the middle of something when you don't know what it is and the world keeps telling you it's fine. Hopefully I won't be just another casualty of a torrential relationship. I know Morgan and I unintentionally dragged a few in in our day. Who knows, he may not have even thought that far, and at this point she seems to have dwarfed me so much in his eyes already that I probably don't stand a chance unless she gives him a reason to finally let go. That was the only way I seemed to get through in the first place, she wasn't there.
No matter what's involved, history and familiarity are the hardest things to compete with. Human nature makes us a slave to the familiar. We'll settle all too easily for something less than we deserve even knowing that we deserve more. I know I did for a while.
Sometimes I feel almost like i'm watching a prisoner. I want so badly to set him free of it and show him that the world outside the glass jar he's being kept in has so much more to offer. But like myself, it's hard to break free of what you're so used to. At this point, he seems like he's so willing to stay as a pawn in that game hoping one day it'll be ok. I feel like i'm screaming at a deaf person trying to give him the reason and encouragement that he once gave me. as most relationships like this, they usually don't get better but that glimmer of hope is always more tempting than leaving your comfort zone. I've witnessed quite a few of these and partaken in one myself. But who am I to judge what i'm not a part of? I wasn't able to escape mine until recently, so who am I to my opinion. I can't say i'm an expert of any kind because i've just finally begun to let go completely. It's still a bit scary, it's like watching sand slip through your fingers and each grain held a memory close to your heart. But before you can grab another hand full and start again, your hands have to be empty. It' a slow dull pain and it feels like it's wearing you down bit by bit. The beauty is, even in all the pain there's a feeling of liberation that feels so good to finally be free it's almost sickening. You're getting a clean slate and a fresh start, as much as i would have been content staying with the familiar for the rest of my life, i'm glad, for now, i've taken the chance.

At this moment in time, i'm dying for a shred of sanity.
something, anything, to at least make one side of my mind shut up so i don't have this constant feud going on in my head over matters of the heart.
this is obnoxious.
she ties him up in knots, gets under his skin, gets into his head. I almost can't stand to watch it.
Yeah, it probably sounds as if i'm talking about myself when it comes to Morgan.
Unfortunately, i'm not.
Now I can see what i've done to Morgan over all these years through the eyes of another situation and it's absolutely horrific. Women are so disgusting and manipulative and sometimes i'm really ashamed to be part of this gender and know i've partaken in some of the escapades. I was selfish to keep him around at my expense some times, just because i was afraid of losing him. Sometimes I still get that feeling that we're meant to be together. At least, enough for me to justify all the repulsive things i've done to him. Granted, I could have done much worse and every time I did something I made sure we weren't together but it still hurt him more than I may ever know. Silly me thinking status would have an effect on emotions. Maybe that's why fate decided to put me on the outside of this equation happening with someone else. Perhaps it's punishment. But for some reason i've fallen for the one who's being hurt by the other.
Real cute fate.
Why? I have yet to figure out. I fought it tooth and nail for a while, but I gave in. Not because I was weak, but because it actually felt right. well, more than my current situation did. Now that i've finally given in, it feels like fight or flight. Of course, now that i've finally come around, life has handed me another fucking lemon that i have to figure out what the hell to do with. Sometimes I really just want to chuck it back at this divine creator's head and see how he likes it. I've made up my mind though, i'm not taking another chance but it's not the only reason i'm not giving up. It really does feel like this could be good, something both of us had wanted from our previous relationships from the start.I feel like we're both wallowing in the ruins of the past wishing we could find the answer to all those dilemmas, but somehow, we found each other instead. I think he saw it first. We felt like magnets. At the beginning he didn't seem to have a distraction, I did.
Now the tables have turned, he finally got me to let go, but now his past has come back. I feel like he's having more trouble that I did. For a while, I promised Morgan I was only his. I'd wait for it and eventually we'd be together, that changed when I met Eddie. Not at first, but with time and the understanding he gave me, I came to feel like there might be another. This boy who came out of left field somehow weaseled his way into my heart and mind and made me question what I hadn't for 4 years. I think I did at first, because he didn't have a past to compare it too. It had lay dormant and redundant for a while. He had hope for a future that didn't concern what had once been, or so it seemed, and now I finally share that. I think we see a lot of ourselves in each other and that's part of what drew us to each other. Sometimes I still second guess it, but my gut won't let me quit. Everyone want to see him happy and they don't see it being with the pieces of the past. The same has been said for me for a while. And I've seen us both fight it like a sonofabitch
Maybe it really is time to move on.
I just need to do for him as he did for me. I won't give up. I'll be there for him. But most of all, we need to stop beating around the bush with feelings. I want him to let me know what's troubling him even if it hurts me. I need to be there the way he was there for me when the best thing anyone could give me was a good friend, though he wanted more, that was still what he was. I still had trouble accepting it when he began saying we were together, but it was flattering and I cared as much for him too. I was just still having trouble letting go of the past, I've finally given in completely, just in time for the situation to get flipped. God really has a twisted sense of humor, but whatever is in control of my gut feelings is telling me to keep going. so i will. It won't be easy. I know that more than anything. But if it works,it will be more than worth it. I just hope my gut isn't playing tricks on me as well. Hopefully i'm not just a fool and warm body at night for passing the time.

I don't think i'll ever know why or how you affect me in the way you do.
even when i'm on the brink of going into a new relationship, i can't help but run to you. i've learned to go other places but sometimes i just get so scared out of my wits i don't know what to do with myself. i'm not there just because he's not answering his phone, i'm there because i'm so scared of letting go enough to actually officially be with someone else. you're all i've ever known and i'm terrified of completely letting go of that. i don't even think i ever will let go of it. sometimes he makes me feel like i might, but it's times like these that make me afraid it never will.
you've seen my best and my worst and you loved me through it all. yes, it's not there anymore. but with the way we are i can't help but have the sneaking suspicion that fate will have another bone to pick with us. no, i may not want to pursue anything with you at the moment but it doesn't mean i don't love you. i just can't stop and it drives me up a wall. At the time, there's s certain someone who's making me want to see if something else would work. I don't know why. He's, well something, that's for sure. I never thought i'd want to chance losing us, but for some god forsaken reason, my gut is telling me to go for it and has been since I first met him. I tried so hard to fight it off, I really did.
lately, i keep going back to the moment when you first told me you loved me. it was the definition of bittersweet. it was the last time i was going to see you before you left for two weeks but when you said those words i couldn't help but respond with my eager reply. after that, i think i glowed for the next year or so, because i was so utterly engulfed in this glorious feeling i didn't know what to do with myself. you were the sun, the moon, the earth. i was intoxicated. there was barely a moment where you weren't on my mind.
i blame myself for everything after. i became so lost in second guessing myself because of watching the situations of others around me that i did the worst thing possible. i second guessed my feelings. if i'd kept my head in the clouds, we could of been fine. but i had to be as realistic as possible and bring us back down to earth.even through the bad times you've been the only one i could come to. even now. you made a promise and i hope you will always keep it. last night and tonight i've behaved like a stupid little child. i've been so confused about what to do about anything that i feel like i've damaged our relationship even further.
i'm sorry. you did everything you could. i should have appreciated it more. i've never even come close to doing anything like i am now. it's the absolute truth when i say you're all i've ever known. i'm so awkward with other people i don't know how to act because i was so comfortable around you. i could be myself, good or bad, and you never minded. you loved me for all of it.
right now, i'm doing something that's completely foreign to me, but i feel like i need too. I already made my decision, i'm just having a little trouble adjusting. i feel like it's time to give in for once. if this doesn't work out. i'm not going to try again for a long time. i can't do it. Right now, it feels like the right thing to do i'm just scared that I may not find that complete contentment I once had. But i'll never know if I don't try. i know that if this doesn't work or when it fizzles you'll still be there and then maybe we'll try again later.
i know this can't be easy for you to read and i know if anyone else were to read it would think i'm a nut job because they were never part of our relationship. hell, even you think i'm completely crazed half the time and i can't say i blame you.
i guess i just can't help feeling the need to tell you how much i still care and always will. you have something that no one will ever have and that's a real part of me. no one will ever have me completely because that piece will always be with you. or maybe that's part of finding out who you are, finding the people worthy of having a part of you and being able to let those little pieces go. but still, no one could ever take your place.

I'm at a turning point in my life. I feel like there a fork in the road and i'm standing between the two paths scratching my head looking like an asinine dullard with no sense of direction. And maybe that's all I am. I'd like to think i'm something more, but that would be assuming things and setting expectations for myself that I don't really feel like living up to at the moment. With that said, I suppose you can say i've hit rock bottom. At the moment, i'm finding it's rather comfortable down here so I think i'll stay for a bit until I find the motivation to do otherwise. It may sound like i'm stagnating but, on the contrary, i'm actually doing a lot. I'm moving forward many aspects of my life. I just feel like I mentally missed the train. I'm caught in a whirlwind of everything that's going on around me, so i've retreated into my mind where i've chosen to shut the majority of the chaos out. In my mind it's safe for me to look at the world from another perspective and dissect the shit out of it. I've come to realize i'm on somewhat of a quest for understanding. I want to see situation from every point possible and find every solution and consequence. I also do it with people. Years of being an introvert has made it relatively easy for me to get inside people's heads. I don't mean to do it in a harmful way, I just like to see if I can figure out what makes them tick. I won't claim to know much because many do. I've learned from experience that most of those people really don't know any more than the rest of the population. As long as i'm not an ignorant jackass, I think i'm fine.